No clue

Since a recent talk with a friend of mine, i have been thinking about liz a lot more than usual. There is the usual blocking the intense feelings out, and just ignoring everything, but its taking its toll. I find myself daydreaming and then forcing myself to stop. The one memory that keeps coming back is a school dance, unfortunatly (i hate dances. It was when my good friend jeremy was the DJ, i had been nailed in the face by a gargantuan elbow (one of the football players) while "moshing" to sandstorm. I had gone outside, after a long and awkward talk with liz and the guy she is basically in love with, ryan. I sat down because my head was spinning, and liz and ryan come out. They talked for a minute, and then she pulled him in for a kiss. I wish that were me. I wish I were ryan. Just anyone but me.

I often think what if it were someone else i was in love with. Well, i'm not in love with anyone else, but for the sake of hypothetical situations, i would probably think the same thing, and be just as jealous. But why am i so jealous, when it goes against everything i believe? Jealousy brings nothing but pain and problems (if you can't tell). But as you can also tell, i am so ungodly jealous its not funny. Is that what its all about though? just to make you feel lost and hurt, and all sorts of other goodies, before finding anything happy? Who knows, but i do feel lost right now. I need someone besides liz in my life (that is a female). I need someone to pull my intense passion away from liz, and direct it elsewhere, because this is killing me. I try and try, but to no avail. Elise and Jillian proved that to me. Only two horrible relationships, maybe thats not bad. But, its enough to make me want to leave this place even more than i already do.

I find talking about this situation helps. I know that i'm not the only one with these kinds of problems, no matter how unique it is. I cannot, however, stress enough how much it means to me that liz be happy no matter what. Its one of those "if you really love her, you'll just step back and wait til she asks for help." And thats what i've been doing. I guess i also kinda feel less important as of late. Her new pills, i think, have made her better. Which, i must admit, is a wonderful thing. But the need for me is diminished. And i kind of feel tossed aside. This could just be a phase though.I'm not sure, but we will find out, wont we? As for now, i'm getting tired, and need sleep. so i'm out.